It’s that magical time of year again when America’s youth migrates to warmer climes, lured by the siren song of Jäger bombs and skin exposure. Before you disappear into the rum-soaked sunset, consider these tips to stay safe.

1. Don’t fall asleep at the wheel. Better yet, don’t drive anywhere! Save up for a plane ticket or learn how to take the bus already. At your destination, sign up with a classy spring break hotel that has drunk shuttles.

2. If you insist on driving, DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE! Despite what you have heard from your helicopter parents, you are not special (you’re actually just a narcissist), and this directly translates into your ability to die a preventable car crash.

3. While having your drunk friend drive will prevent you from being charged with vehicular manslaughter, remember that it increases your chances of being vehicle-manslaughtered.

4. If you are the sober driver, know that having your drunk friends in the car will distract you. Your best bet is to kick them out and make them walk back to the hotel, which has the added benefit of helping them metabolize alcohol faster. Win-win!

5. Never leave your drink unattended. For maximum protection against being drugged, always imbibe in the form of Edward Fortyhands.

6. Do not drink and swim. It’s a physiological nightmare, and your drunk friends won’t be any help when they’re doing beer bongs back on the beach.

7. Wear some sunscreen. You don’t want to end up like tan mom or John Boehner.

8. Consult these legitimate resources for spring break safety:

   Fight Back on Spring Break: Spring Break Safety Tip Sheet CDC Spring Break Health and Safety Tips The Bacchus Network: Safe Spring Break