Ah, the majestic deer. So proud, so noble. So prone to running directly in front of your car in pursuit of some hot tail while you’re doing 70 on the interstate.

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again: the deer rut. Could there be a more repulsive term than “rut”? Maybe “moist rut”? I just threw up. The point is, all of the other animals that I haven’t written about simply call it “mating season” (I mean, I assume?), but nasty-ass slutty deer call it “the rut.” Gross, deer.

Every year in the U.S., deer crashes cause 200 deaths and cost $4 billion, and it’s all because deer are chasing each other for sex reasons. Could deer be any worse? We’re just trying to drive to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving, but deer have to run out in front of our cars in order to do repulsive stuff like this:

Two other behaviors associated with the rut are "rubbing" and "making scrapes." Both serve as scent signposts for olfactory and, perhaps, visual communication. A lot of rubbing behavior takes place shortly after velvet is dried and/or shed, but continues throughout the rutting period. A rub is initially made by a buck rubbing his antlers and forehead (for scent deposition) on a shrub or small tree. Once created, a rub may be used by several bucks or does. Generally, bucks begin "making scrapes" several weeks after the first rubs appear. This activity increases as the breeding season peaks and then declines throughout the remainder of the rutting period. A scrape is made by a buck pawing a spot of ground, usually to bare soil, and rub-urinating in that soil. A scrape is often associated with a low, overhanging branch which is often broken by the buck biting and/or pulling on the branch. Scent from the forehead, preorbital gland or mouth is often deposited on the broken branch.

Did anyone get through that without dry-heaving? Oh, and the other behavior they engage in, not addressed above, is fighting. Fighting! Rubbing, scraping, peeing, fighting. Could they be more charming?!

The most deer collisions occur between October and December, with the worst month being November. Why? Because November is basically Spring Break for deer. They’re all running around, desperate to sex each other, doing beer bongs and flashing their udders on camera (probably). And can we talk about antlers for a second? Do you know why male deer have them? So that female deer will think they’re sexy. But you know why else, probably? To kill people. These male deer think to themselves, “Hmmmm….sometimes when I run in front of a car, I don’t kill everyone. I bet it would help to grow giant spikes on my head.” And what does it say about female deer that they find that attractive?! I don’t even like when my husband has stubble because it’s too sharp, and these ladies are like, “Oooooooh, that guy has literal weapons growing out of his skull; I’m in.” Once the mating season is over, deer shed their antlers. What the hell is that?! Who does that?! They just fall off! It’s so gross!

If deer are trying to be so impressive with their urine and head-spikes, why don’t they consider doing us all a favor and adding jumping to their lineup of seduction techniques? This pro-deer website asserts that deer don't even have to kill us in pursuit of love. 

Did you know that deer can run as fast as 36 miles per hour? Deer rely on their speed to get them out of difficult or dangerous situations. They must be able to run quickly to flee from hungry predators like wolves, coyotes and humans. Deer are also incredible jumpers. They can jump as high as 8 1/2 feet and as far as 30 feet!

Um, OK. THEN WHY CAN’T YOU JUST JUMP OVER THE ROAD, YOU JERKHOLES?

Unfortunately, we can no more expect help from these Cervidae sluts than we can hope for frat boys to stop wearing Axe body spray (deer may have the edge on humans here, as I might prefer to smell urine). So, what should you do if you see a deer in the roadway?

1) Hit it.
2) Hope that you’re not going too fast.

Let’s break these down a bit. Hit it. From my former driver’s ed instructor father to this Slate article, your mantra should be “Hit the damn deer.” Many more serious injuries and death result from people swerving to miss deer (or any other animal, for that matter) than from simple hitting the deer. Sure, sometimes a deer goes through a windshield, but most of the time, you’ll fare better by simply striking the animal. In the Slate piece, the author follows Wisconsin State Trooper Dean Luhman, for whom a huge part of his job is cleaning up after deer collisions, and asks what’s the best thing to do if a deer jumps in front of you.

To help you avoid getting in scrapes of your own, Luhman offers this advice: “If you see a deer in the roadway, don’t swerve. Hit it. Cars can be fixed or replaced. As long as no one’s tailgating you, hit the brakes. But if you can’t do that, then hit the deer.”

“Here are a couple more things you can do,” he added. “Adjust your headrest so it’s at the right height to prevent whiplash. You’d be surprised how many people just leave them shoved all the way down. Maintain your lights, brakes, and tires so you can see, be seen, and stop. Wear your seat belt, don’t tailgate, and slow down.”

“And when you’re driving,” Luhman said, “drive. At deer crashes, and at a lot of other crashes, too, the number one excuse I hear is ‘I wasn’t paying attention.’”

The second thing you can do is hope you’re not driving too fast. I have personally experienced hitting a deer, twice. The first time, I was driving over 60 mph on a highway and had no time to react, so I hit the deer without slowing down at all. I was 17 at the time, so I’m probably lucky that I didn’t have more time, since I might have swerved and wound up dead in a rollover. Instead, I wound up with a totaled car. The front end was completely crumpled, and the deer pretty much exploded all over the road. The second time I hit a deer, I was driving about 25 mph, and the deer just bounced off and kept running. So I suggest that you only hit deer while driving very slowly.   

There's little we can do to curtail the basic biological mechanisms that drive the disgusting behavior of deer, so until they can stop being so gross, be aware, drive slow, and hit the damn the deer.