It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day! How wonderful to be able to drink with a weekend’s abandon on a Thursday! In honor of this most-sacred holiday, I have prepared a list of options that are better than driving drunk.  

1. Catching a cab

2. Catching The Clap

3. Consulting the NDDDS (National Directory of Designated Driver Services!) for a ride

4. Sleeping at your friend’s house

5. Sleeping in your car

6. Sleeping in a gutter

7. Hitchhiking

8. Listening to this traditional version of "Whiskey in the Jar" by the Dubliners

9. Drinking more

10. Drinking 2 quarts of water because you will be SO HAPPY you did so in the morning

11. Calling a scooter taxi service who will bring both you AND your car home!

12. Drunk-dialing your parents to tell them you love them

13. Drunk-dialing your childhood priest (this is a religious holiday)

14. Drunk-dialing your pre-arranged sober driver because you’re a GENIUS

15. After the show, head to the after party

16. After the party, it’s the hotel lobby 

17. Sleeping in your own bed instead of a cot in jail

18. Using your own toilet instead of one like this:

19. Refer a friend to Uber/Lyft so you can have a free ride, too

20. Not paying fines for a DUI

21. Not dealing with any of the drunk driving penalties listed here

22. Googling your ex

23. Googling yourself

24. Working on your night cheese

25. Working out

26. Gross just kidding don’t work out

27. Passing out

28. Playing video games

29. Drunk-walking your dog

30. Singing to your cat

     

31. Writing a musical that stars your cat

32. Realizing that you are a better singer than your cat

33. Casting yourself as your cat

34. Brining your own corned beef

35. Engaging in a religious debate

36. Engaging in a political debate

37. Crying in a bathroom stall

38. Crying

39. Judging people solely based on their appearance

40. Drunkenly making a Tinder date

41. Drunkenly making an OkCupid date

42. Drunkenly making a fake OkCupid profile to stalk your crush

43. Listen to this less-traditional version of "Whiskey in the Jar" by Thin Lizzy

44. Drunk walking

45. Drunk freestyle walking

46. Drunk piggy back riding

47. Drunk crawling

48. Drunk parkour

49. Heading down to the truck stop to see if you can get yourself on an 18-wheeler

     

50. Working on your nunchuck skills

51. Asking your boss for a raise

52. Making out with a m'lady

53. Attempting to drink an entire gallon of milk in under an hour

54. Talking to cops for fun instead of because you have to

55. Impressing a cute bartender by asking them to call you a cab

56. Further impressing a cute bartender by cutting yourself off before forcing them to

57. Accidentally typing your ex's name into the status bar on Facebook instead of the search bar

58. Not realizing you did this until the next morning

59. Burning your mouth on too-hot drunk munchies pizza

60. Passing out while said pizza is in the oven, burning the pizza which sets off the fire alarm, and being awoken by sexy firemen who break down your door and carry you to safety

61. Writing a script for when you call your recent sexual partners to tell them about your crabs

62. Telling your significant other that since you both have herpes, it’s like neither of you have herpes!

63. Climbing trees

64. Climbing mountains

65. Finding dragon eggs in the mountains

66. Hatching the eggs

67. Raising the dragons as your own children

68. Resenting your dragon children as they grow more attractive than you

69. Buying a Mustang to prove you've still got it despite your beautiful dragon children

70. Pretending that every pile of vomit you pass on your walk home is molten lava

71. Pretending that every pile of vomit you pass on your walk home is a pit full of sharks

72. Stealthily picking a wedgie

73. Finishing the dregs of each lonely, abandoned bottle of wine in your fridge/on your counter

74. Spitting out the fruit flies from said bottles of wine

75. Opting to finish your hard liquor instead

76. Having Drinkify recommend music to drink by

77. Realizing that you only have enough liquor to make a bourbon-rum-vodka-gin sour

78. Declaring bourbon-rum-vodka-gin sours your new favorite cocktail

79. Naming this new cocktail after yourself

80. Scotchka!

81. Dressing up like your favorite TV characters

82. If you really have to, listen to this version of "Whiskey in the Jar" by Metallica and ponder their later-career choices

83. Planning a fancy dress party while wearing pajamas

84. Wearing pajamas

85. Visiting a haunted house

86. Haunting a house

87. Chipping a tooth

88. Pulling out your own tooth

89. Amateur surgery

90. Amateur sexting

91. Professional sexting!

92. Slashing your own tires

93. Slashing the tires of your friend who wants to drive drunk

94. Forming a rag-tag group of vigilante heroes to prevent other people from driving drunk through various shenanigans

95. Practicing your roundhouse

    

96. Finally learning to use public transit

97. Making terrible SnapChat decisions

98. Taking terrible SnapChat screenshots

99. LARPing

100. Sharting

101. Literally almost anything not listed above except, like, intentional murder