Need any more proof that 3-year-olds are monsters who care nothing for your cardiac health or sanity? Look no further than this toddler in Crystal River, Florida, who decided to try to murder his parents in cold blood this week by scaring them to death. 

Tampa Bay news station WTSP reports:

"The boy's father told deputies he was in the bathroom when his 3-year-old son, dressed in just a shirt and diaper, used a small chair to unlock the front door and get out. When his dad came out of the bathroom, he discovered his son was missing and jumped on his bicycle to look for him. That's when he found a blockade of cars encircling his son who was seen riding his Power Wheels vehicle in the median on U.S. 19 near the Hampton Inn."

I know that people love nothing more than to judge in this situation, but anyone who thinks that they would never let something like this happen has no recent experience with toddlers. I say recent experience because I believe that most horrors of parenting are blocked from memory, so people remember themselves as proficient jailkeeps and/or their children as well-behaved non-monsters, but this is generally not the case. This is just a trick your mind has played on you to ensure further propagation of the species, because nobody would have another kid if they remembered everything from the first one.

At age 2, my nephew, the sweetest boy on the face of the earth, told his mother, "I don't love you" purely out of a desire to hurt her. This is not because my sister-in-law is a bad parent; it's because at age 2, children are overtaken with a desire to cause pain and destruction. They're basically possessed with a demon, and that demon is called Limit Testing. 

I'm sure there are people who will flood the internet with comments on how they are parents to 3-year-old triplets and do it all perfectly. I'm sure these people exist. I'm glad it's worked out so well for them. I'm glad I don't know them. Anyone who is that level of sanctimonious to believe that they could never make a mistake is not someone I want to hang out with. 

Danny Collins, a witness to the Florida Hot Wheels incident, told news outlet WSFA that after Good Samaritans pulled over to get the little boy off of the road, the toddler was irate, wanting nothing more than keep driving. This is because the toddlers don't give a crap about safety or the feelings of their frantic caretakers. Collins, bless him, said that as a father himself, he can't judge because "kids can be gone in two seconds."  So yes, it's a miracle that this 3-year-old wasn't hurt, and maybe his dad should invest in a better lock, but never forget that this story could be you. Parenting requires vigilance, patience, but most of all, pure luck. May your child never grow tall enough to reach the doorknob.