The Germans have so many wonderful phrases, but a favorite of mine is “Fremdschämen,” meaning external shame. Basically, it’s what you feel when you’re embarrassed on someone’s behalf because of something stupid they did. I just read a recently published piece on The Globe and Mail titled, “What gets her motor running: What women think of men based on their cars,” and about halfway through the title, I experienced what Tobias Fünke would refer to as, “Douche chills.” I have nothing against Canadians and actually admire their great nation, but this was very embarrassing. I don’t even know where to start, but here goes.

‘“Forget clothes – cars really do make the man. Your car, like your clothes, is a reflection of you,” says Sue McGarvie, an Ottawa-based clinical sex and relationship therapist.’

Oh, gross. Please don’t get therapy from this woman. She’ll probably make you do role-playing exercises.

‘A man behind the wheel of a beater “shows a lack of respect for himself and for me,” McGarvie says.

Well, there’s one argument against meeting your future spouse in college. Yes, a man who didn’t bother to buy a new car before picking you up on your first date is almost certainly sexist. Whyyyyyyyyy are we still assuming that women are so shallow? Coming from another woman, who apparently has at least whatever the Canadian equivalent of a Master’s Degree (Her Majesty’s Degree? I have no idea), this is especially disappointing. Even if we’re going for unabashed stereotypes of women here, aren’t there multiple fairy tales that talk about it’s a bad idea to judge people based on their income? Women love fairy tales, right?! I would wager they love them just as much, if not more, as scheming to nail down a rich man to marry.

“Women want Timothy Dalton, they all want the cool car – they want the guy that doesn’t try too hard,” she says. “It’s the James Bond phenomenon – international man of mystery.”’

THEY ALL WANT THE COOL CAR. Hear that, ladies? You’re a real sucker for man in a car. Literally every woman on earth considers Vin Diesel to be husband material. ALL OF YOU WANT TO MARRY VIN DIESEL AND/OR LUDACRIS.

Oooooh, just look at all of those husbands for me! I know they would value me because they value cars!

But the dumb crap this mental health professional spews isn’t limited to cars. Women also LOVE motorcycles!

‘The bad-boy image personified by Harley-Davidson is also a turn-on. “He’s bad. He’s dangerous. He’s passionate,” McGarvie says. “He’s going to give you a wild ride, drop you off and you’re going to walk away with a smile on your face and you’ll remember it when you’re 80. That’s the thinking with boys with bikes.”’

Gross, gross, gross, gross. Barf, barf, barf, barf. You know what I think when someone tells me they drive a Harley-Davidson? I think about how they like to rev their engines for NO REASON in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. I think about how they probably wear chaps. I think about how they’re willing to pay ridiculous amounts of money for a brand that is notorious for breaking down. I think about how they will probably die horrible deaths because motorcycles are ridiculously dangerous.

We can’t just ridicule this sexy man-hunting professional, though. Regular women are also questioned for the article, like the one who says, “A guy who picks me up in a truck is manly, rugged, free-spirited, outdoorsy, grounded and not status-chasing.” Trucks don’t indicate status-chasing? Clearly she has never been to Idaho. That aside, that list is seriously projecting a lot of qualities onto someone who might just have to go to the dump a lot.

‘McGarvie says the coolest car on the road is a Mini. “Mark Wahlberg drove it in The Italian Job. It’s cool. It says fun and freedom. You’re going to take me away and be adventurous.”’

If there’s one thing I want in a man, it’s that he emulate fictional characters played by Mark Wahlberg.

I am certain that 99% of women can refute everything posited in this article with at least one real-life example. For example, when I met my husband he drove the saddest little rusty Mazda pickup because he was poor. Now he drives a 1998 Jetta with a diesel engine because he thinks it’s dumb to spend money on cars. Most people don’t live in a fantasy world where they can buy the car that best expresses their masculinity, just like I can’t afford a wardrobe comprised entirely of Anthropologie and Marimekko, even though that is what I would prefer. Let's leave this attitude where it belongs--in cool teenage tragedy songs from the 1960s.